"Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many. That's what's important! Valor pleases you, Crom... so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!"
With Conan being such an important icon in my youth, I find it very difficult to be unbiased when reviewing the new film that just came out on August 19th, 2011. Still, I will do my best to be as objective as possible.
The new Conan film was good by sword and sorcery movie standards but lacked the emotional drive and spirit that the original so mysteriously and effortlessly carried. There were both excellent and terrible aspects to the new film. Thankfully is was not a total bomb, and regrettably, it really lacked in some key areas. Here is a breakdown. MINOR SPOILER ALERT.
The Conans: The new movie's young Conan and adult Conan were very well chosen. The Adult Conan had an excellent barbarian attitude. He was grim and brutal, just the way Conan should be. Jason Momoa, the new Conan, looked more true to the comics version of Conan. He was muscular and had the classic long, black hair. Still, Arnold was more buff and carried a barbarian attitude without having to speak too much. The younger Conan in the new movie was fantastic and puts the older movie's kid Conan to utter shame. It was awesome to see such a brutal 12 year-old Conan with those dead eyes and pure barbarian rage. This little kid really may have been one of the best parts of the new film.
The Conan Dads: Ron Pearlman made a pretty good Conan dad, but I was not really happy with the way that he looked. I didn't like the long beard and I didn't like the advice that he gave to his son about being patient and disciplined. I really didn't like the old Conan movie's dad much, but I did prefer his father-to-son chat better than the new movie's chat.
Villians: One of my biggest disappointments of the new film was the shitty, shitty villains. The BBEG of the film was an old dude with a retarded-looking evil mask sucked to his face. Picture an evil Patrick Star hugging an old man's head. This was the guy that killed Conan's dad and burned his village. Even worse was his sorcerer daughter and her very unmenacing steel fingernails (one of which conveniently broke off as a painfully obvious clue as to who stole Conan's girlfriend later in the movie). Her acting skills lacked, UTTERLY. James Earl Jones as Thulsa Doom (awesome name, btw) was infinitely better. His raw charisma and onscreen presence is very rarely matched in any film.
Setting: I really liked the computer generated settings of the new film. Far better than the models and desert scrubland of the original. It wasn't Rivendale awesome, but it was fantastic, nonetheless.
Music: Basil Poledouris is a legendary composer BECAUSE of what he did in the original movie. The Anvil of Crom and The Riddle of Steel are two of the most iconic songs in all movie history, especially in the sword and sorcery genre. The new movie really didn't have much more than *meh* going for it. Its tough to live up to legendary soundtracks.
Dialog: The original movie had better bits of dialog than the new movie. "What is best in life?" and Conan's prayer to Crom in the original are far more memorable than the new movie's "I live, I love, I slay and I am content." I did enjoy the way that the new Conan spoke to women. It was refreshing to hear some unPC barbarian chat in a major Hollywood film.
Special Effects: Obviously, the special effects are far superior in the new film. There are no rubber snakes or blood pouches that explode when struck by a movie prop sword. Hey, that's 1981 for you. One of my favorite aspects of the new movie is the sheer brutality that brought via special effects. Gratuitous blood splatter and crunching bones were a welcome bit of awesomeness that should be expected in a barbarian movie. My favorite part had to have been young Conan slicing off a guys nose and then the older Conan sticking his finger into the nose orifice later in life. Cool, cool, cool.
There are other aspects of the movie that I have probably forgotten about, but I think you get the general drift regarding the new movie. It was good, but it still lies firmly in the shadow of the original. I recommend the new movie for anyone that is a D&D nerd like myself, but just be gentle on the movie and realize that the original Conan the Barbarian is a very challenging movie to top.
Conan the Barbarian original movie: A
Conan the Barbarian new movie: B-
...oh, and never park your slave encampment in a ravine with dozens of massive, unstable boulders sitting high in the ridge sides. You are only begging for a renegade freedom-loving barbarian to destroy your pens and steal all your topless, super hot slave girls.
7 comments:
Super hot topless slave girls? Guess I'll go see it afterall
I'm a big fan of Jason Momoa from his role of Stargate: Atlantis, so I will surely see this film. Having said that, Schwarzeneggar will always be Conan for me.
By the way, how was the 3D?
I knew I forgot something... 3D was terrible. I really, really hate 3D. This movie's 3D was worse than the Clash of the Titans' 3D. It was dark and very tough to follow the fast paced action sequences.
I figured. They rarely get the 3D right these days. One of the reasons I have to give Michael Bay some credit, he's one of the few directors that seems to know how to use the technology.
It looks like a few places in Calgary are showing it in 2D (Cochrane, Cross Iron Mills). I'll have to check it out at one of those.
More money for a lousy experience. Usually if it's not animation 3d sucks
Saw it, liked it, but man, I miss the accent.
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